Sunday, 28 October 2007

Strays

It's peculiar, what comes to mind when you least expect it. That last post, for instance. I wish I hadn't posted it now. It arose out of self-pity: and so I changed its direction. That's why it is so contrived.

If we had had children, there would be something of Ann remaining. Something tangible, I mean. Something for me. If we had had children, there would be something of Ann continuing. Something of me. Something for me. If we had had children, there would be a reason not to fall apart. Or do I mean an excuse not to fall apart? I feel guilty if I laugh. I feel guilty when I eat. I feel guilty that I feel a little better for writing this Blog.

And now it's fucking all about me again.

I might have said that the fertility treatment involved pumping Ann full of oestrogen.

The cancer was oestrogen-fed, they said.

4 comments:

Tracy said...

right now it is and should be all about you - Ann would have understood and would not have had it any other way.
life is a bag of crap a lot of the time - and i am so sorry that i had no idea that the cancer was oestrogen fed.
you should be so proud that you are able to write all of this down and if it is helping you in anyway then Ann would be yelling for you to carry on...
you know she would x
please do not feel guilty my boy, you are doing what you can - and you are doing it so well x
love, love love you
t x

Ali said...

I would imagine that the majority of this year has not been about you at all. That's a hard mode to switch out of.

Glad if the blog is helping a little and I'm sure she's cheering (if somewhat bashful and worried that it's all about her).

Katie twinkles said...

Hi, I want to say that it is fine that the bog-oops, blog! I am tired , is f**king all about you. You are doing a brilliant thing, processing your grief through writing-one of the best therapeutic mediums really.It is very very good. It does not stop you missing or honouring her, in fact it may make you more able to express that.

Leanne said...

please keep writing, I am sure its part of your grieving process.and dont feel guilty for anything. Please.

Leanne x