Friday, 26 October 2007


As summer 1995 (correction: 2005) turned to autumn, Ann and I returned to England with our dogs. I went back to work, slowly re-building my practice. Things weren't quite the same, though. Ann seemed cheerful enough, but she wasn't as fiery. Always quick-witted and quick-tempered, she was oddly calmer. It was almost as though someone had turned her volume down.

I, on the other hand... I was angrier. It affected my driving, my job, everything. In court, my cross-examination had become more sarcastic, occasionally vicious, certainly less effective...

I think I am taking this thing too fast. The original idea was to intersperse my contemporary diary with Ann's story. Perhaps relate one to the other. Should I write more detail? I'd better leave it for tonight. I've drunk too much. I don't want this to turn into my story. Even now I'm egocentric.


Anonymous said...

Your strength I am sure would make your wife very proud of you. I came across your blog by accident and now I am crying. I am so sorry that you only had such a short time together but what a wonderful time it must of been. Some people will never experience that in their lives.
At some point in the future life will return to 'normal' but you will never forget your wife and nor will you ever want to. She is in your heart and soul forever. But do as much as you can with your life from now on, everything that she didn't get to do.
Best wishes,

driftwood said...

I can't imagine what you must be going through, but I think you're incredibly brave to share it with total strangers.
Tracy of cupcakes at home sent me here to say hi, and send her love, I'm glad she did, and that I've met you.
keep writing.
write whatever you want, however you want to.
I hope it helps.

Ali said...

Tracy sent me. Your words sound so raw that it feels almost voyeuristic to be reading them.

But I hope they help.

Rebecca said...

Your story is her story - tell it however you need to.

Thank you for deciding to share it.

Katie twinkles said...

I think writing stuff down, particularly in a blog, has an almost alchemical way of relieving some of the pressures of grief and heartache, like you are letting the world know how you are. I have read a few pieces written both by the person who has died and their loved ones and have learned and understood much. I have a recently bereaved friend who is doing so at present and I have also lost someone so I say keep writing, whatever you feel and I hope each day gets gradually easier.

Leanne said...


I too followed a link from cupcakes. I am so sorry, I have a little understanding of your feelings, I have been through a similiar experience, watching a partner through cancer and chemo.

Sending yuo a (hug) from someone who's been there,


Gill at Lucy Locket said...

Tracy at Cupcakes sent me, I'm so moved by your words so far, you're really opening your heart and I hope it helps you through each day by day by day.....I can't begin to imagine how you feel but maybe knowing there are good people out here who are rooting for you might give you strength. It's very early days yet and I guess you need to take little steps. Thanks for sharing.

Hilda May said...

Yep definitely a scary photo....if you don't do anything else this week, please read 'A Grief Observed' by C.S.Lewis....
oh and a big hug...

Rachel x